Friday Jan 16th. Currently in Terminal 5 at Heathrow, sitting next to the Fortnum and Mason shop, with a Gucci outlet over there next to Cartier and Tiffany. (Gucci really need to rethink their stock control policy – there is only one bag per shelf!! Somebody must have messed up the ordering – surely they’re not going to sell anything that way!) (You wouldn’t get that at Lidl.)

Oh, there’s the set: I’ve just looked over my shoulder and there’s a Harrod’s store. Am I in the wrong bit of the airport? I don’t think I paid enough to be in these parts. My ticket says Economy in bold type like it’s a warning to others to stay away from me in case they catch “economy”. Most of the people here look like they actually own an economy. I must have wandered into the wrong section. I definitely think I should have polished my shoes.

“For security reasons, baggage left unattended will be destroyed” repeatedly booms out over the tannoy. The lady says it in a very lovely voice so that makes it a bit better but as it’s the only thing that’s been said over the tannoy in the last half hour you’d think they could add a few more upbeat messages too. “On the count of three, everyone look at the person sitting opposite them and wink.” Or, “All those electronic devices currently being recharged at the sockets along the walls are free to the first person who touches them.”

When I grow up I want to be a tannoy announcer.